The roomie and I sat up late tonight (or early today…) categorizing the types of men we’ve encountered in the last few years as single girls. Together, we formulated this list. Although it’s only the beginning, it covers a lot of territory…
Blog Disclaimer:
The following are a generalized interpretation and not meant in any way to be an accurate depiction of any persons, living or dead, known or unknown to us. They are absolutely general in nature and based on our observations of the general male population, and are not meant to reflect any specific person’s private life or the actual practices and activities of any specific individual.
No harm, misrepresentation, libel, malice or copyright infringement is intended.
Ok, fuck that. They’re pretty much dudes we’ve met over the years, but they aren’t any of you. And if they are, we’ll never admit that.
And if you find yourself identifying with any of the below referenced personalities, either own that shit or change your ways.
After many hours of discussion, many (many) many drinks and drunken sloppy exchanges of stories, and a few tears…very few tears, and a few hard long laughs, we have decided to help our fellow man (and woman) kind in categorizing different personality types of guys, and describing the good and bad points, followed by instructions for you ladies on dealing with these types of guys as you run across them.
Guys: First, just know that our next blog is already in the works to do this same list about the women you encounter. Secondly, if you are reading any specific category and find yourself identifying with it, but are offended, you know damn well that we are bluntly honest about shit, and it’s exactly as you are likely to be perceived, like it or not. Soooo, again, own it or fix it.
Ladies: Pay attention. Cast out your initial instincts to “try a different approach” or think you can change anyone. The absolute cardinal rule of dating that each and every one of you must learn is that people can’t be changed by anyone but themselves.
Everybody good? Good. On we go.
The One Date Wonder
We start with this guy, because he’s the most perplexing of them all, and most girls find themselves obsessing over why this guy isn’t Mr. Perfect. Ladies. Shhhhhhh…….we’ll explain.
This chap will take you on the best date you’ve ever been on. He’ll make you laugh, he’ll treat you like a lady. He’ll open your door for you, and be just the right mix of dominant and gentleman.
However, in the afterglow, you’ll find yourself void of any sense of attachment. You won’t be excited for a second date. In fact, seeing his name on your caller i.d. will do nothing for you, as it once did. No butterflies…not even a larvae.
You are this guy if: Everything you did was perfect, and she seemed interested, but she’s not calling back or closing the deal with Date 2, or even offering any small effort for that matter. Don’t take it personal. Sorry to use this phrase, but “It’s not you. It’s her.”
Ladies: First, recognize that you’re simply not that into him. Unless it’s necessary, don’t fertilize the lawn. By this, we mean, don’t lay on the bullshit unless you mean it. Let it go. This isn’t Battleship. No strategy is necessary.
The Feral Cat
This one is a bit damaged. He’s been hurt, possibly abused, or has spent some serious time in the wild. He’s hesitant to attach, and doesn’t offer an abundance of warmth.
Like a feral cat being domesticated, he wants to feel love and affection, but as soon as he starts to feel it, he’s terrified, and goes into defense mode. Disappearance or general avoidance is common with even the thought of being smothered.
You are this guy if: You want to be with someone, but the second they show that they want to be with you, you dash. It’s not that you don’t want them back, it’s that your instincts tell you to GTFO.
Ladies: This one’s a tricky one. Don’t assume he has another girl or that he’s not interested (if he’s calling/paying attention to you/spending time with you). Be patient, and give him space. At the same time, don’t bank on him. Continue to see other people, and you’ll be able to do this because his fear of commitment will allow for it. Like adopting an abused animal, you have to show stability and dedication, and allow for him to come to you when he’s ready. And if he runs away, don’t chase his ass. He’ll find a home he’s comfortable with, and you shouldn’t take offense if he does.
Mr. Loves At First Sight
Yes. “Loves”.
This guy falls instantly head over heels for you. He dives right in. He’s sugary sweet, and could definitely be someone’s Prince Charming. And if you are standoffish, or feel smothered and put up walls, he seems to, within 24 hours, be equally as enamored by the girl in the short skirt at the club, or even your friend, as he was with you.
You are this guy if: You seem to find a Mrs. Right wherever you go. And maybe you are. But we’re not buying that shit.
Ladies: There’s two kinds of women for Mr. Loves–the ones who are Miss Loves, and the rest of us who are put off by his extreme, over-the-top efforts. You’ll know its Mr. Loves if you push him away a little, and a few days later call him back and his new girlfriend answers the phone.
Mr. Bragger aka Mr. Bragadocious
Where do we start with this guy?
He’s our least favorite. Whether he’s talking to two people or twenty people, he’s talking about what he has, is getting, or what he “was going to get but changed his mind to get the better version”. He talks about cars, clothes, plasma screens, wheels, gadgets….you name it, he’s got it or is getting it next week. He’s most likely to be drop-your-panties-hot, and slipped out of VIP to come talk to you.
You are this guy if: You have diarrhea of the mouth and make everything a dick showing contest.
Ladies: When confronted with this man, roll your eyes and walk away. What a waste of a chiseled jaw line.
Mr. Wonderful(ofshit)
Ohhhh, this guy……..
He will seem just like Mr. Bragadocious, but “objects in mirror are larger than they appear”. He talks the talk but doesn’t walk the walk. He talks about his new iPhone, but when you catch him outside, he’s talking on his base model Nokia. This is the best way to describe him.
You are this guy if: You can’t seem to stop yourself from exaggerating (grossly) everything you had/have/will have, but you’re just an average guy. Just say it. Michael Keaton was your favorite Batman. You’ll get more respect.
Ladies: We don’t condone the practice of Gold Digging. What’s the problem if he drives an ‘89 Buick Skylark? Nothing…as long as he’s honest about it. But if he’s lying about what he has, he’s lying about who he is, and you’ll be dating a mirage. Stick around, and when he proposes with a 3 carat Tiffany solitaire and you take it to Tiffany’s for cleaning, they’ll redirect you and your cubic zirconium to the Piercing Pagoda.
Mr. False Start
This guy is hot and heavy on Monday, but cold and distant on Tuesday. He’s texting/calling/emailing constantly just long enough to reel you in, only to send you back to the friend zone. He may or may not continue this cycle repeatedly.
You are this guy if: You love the scent of your clothes fresh out of the dryer, but don’t feel like wearing the shirt that’s been in your closet for a week. Five yard penalty, pal.
Ladies: You will never make a field goal with this man, so just stoppppit. You are not a second string player–you are a franchise muthafuckin player. If you let the cycle repeat itself, your cheering too loud for the opposing team.
Mr. Atlas
This guy has the entire world carefully balanced in his palm, but will drop it in a New York Minute for that special someone. He is always looking for a fixer upper–a beautiful girl that should have more than she really has.
You are this guy if: You have EVERYTHING going for you… Beautiful home, well respected at work, as well as in your gated community, goal oriented, career established, but is a sucker for a single mom struggling to make ends meet.
Ladies: This guy is almost always all heart. Tread lightly. Don’t be hypnotized by the fairy tale presentation. He wants to take care of you, however make sure he’s taking care of you and not controlling you, and make sure it’s a give-and-take situation, not a take-and-take situation.
Mr. Family Guy
This guy wants to be the provider. He wants you to quit your job, he wants pay all your bills, fix all your problems…he wants you. Alllllll of you. No–he needs you.
He is the man with no children but is more than willing to create an instant family of three to twenty without a moment’s thought.
You are this guy if: You don’t have children but prey on single mothers. Notice the word “prey”. There are plenty of single guys who stumble across a single mother and things work out. Then there are the guys who are more enamored by the idea of the single mother rather than the actual woman herself. It’s only a bad thing if your underlying motive is to have someone to control.
Ladies: If you are a single mom, you owe it to your child(ren) to put them first and be realistic about what you expect from a relationship. A man should be an addition to your life, not a whole new life.
Mr. Hovercraft
Just typing this makes us want to punch him.
He calls. And calls, and calls and calls. And texts. If you don’t answer, he might come to your door or workplace to “make sure you’re ok”. He hovers and smothers and hugs, and you might feel like you need to check under your bed when you get home to make sure he’s not there with a mask, a piece of rope, and some duct tape.
While he’s probably harboring the best of intentions, he becomes instantly entwined in your life, and you may not even be sure exactly how he got there…or how he got your address for that matter.
He’s also likely to “coincidentally” show up wherever you are, and is a pro at inventing weird manipulative games.
You are this guy if: You know everything about every guy on her top friends list on myspace. And by everything, we mean how many comments they’ve left in the past two months, what you think the comments may be in reference to, and how many times a week they change their profile picture. There’s a thin line between feeling strongly for someone and obsessing over someone. We can’t figure that difference out for you.
Ladies: Take extreme caution with this stalker…er, we mean, guy. We have developed an extremely scientific method for distinguishing “stalkers” from “fans”….
-A fan wants to stick “it” in you, a stalker wants to stick a knife in you.
