Yes, I know, I’m late with the sequel to my first “Adventures in Dating” post.  But had I posted promptly, that would mean I’m committed to something, and that would make me a hypocrite, now wouldn’t it??

Ok, excuses, excuses.  Anyway, here’s the latest…

The long awaited sequel to our blog about guys.

Blog Disclaimer:

The following are a generalized interpretation and not meant in any way to be an accurate depiction of any persons, living or dead, known or unknown to us. They are absolutely general in nature and based on our observations of the general female population, and are not meant to reflect any specific person’s private life or the actual practices and activities of any specific individual.

No harm, misrepresentation, libel, malice or copyright infringement is intended.

Ok, fuck that. They’re pretty much chicks that we‘re friends with or have come across over the years, but they aren’t any of you. And if they are, we’ll never admit that.

And if you find yourself identifying with any of the below referenced personalities, either proudly own that shit or change your ways.

Ok. Let’s begin.

The Great Pretender

We begin with this one because she’s the most difficult to identify. In fact, you likely won’t even recognize her until you find yourself balls deep in problems.

She seems like she’s got it all together: the job, the house, the car, the lifestyle. She paints a Thomas Kinkade picture, but soon you’ll see that it’s just a shitty five-year-old’s refrigerator art.

You’ll learn that she’s actually housesitting for her aunt, always late on her rent, or has nineteen maxed out credit cards she’s artfully hiding.

She paints this picture in hopes of ‘landing’ the perfect guy to sucker into providing this lifestyle for her later.

You Are This Chick If: you were embarrassed as you read this.

Guys: Beware of any girl who, early in the relationship, asks for access to your keys, your wallet, or your PIN numbers while smiling coquettishly or playing grabass. This chick is no gold digger. She’s a professional.

Miss Bar-Sexual (Thanks, Chadillac)

This girl is a drinker. In fact, if you cut her, she’ll likely bleed Sex on the Beach.

This girl will shock and awe you when her heterosexual ass is making out with another girl at the bar after a few drinks, not because she’s newly bi-sexual, but because she wants any and all attention at the bar and will stop at nothing to get it.

More pathetic versions of this girl simply dry hump and grope her girlfriends but wouldn’t even share a soda with them if the gutter hadn’t been sucked out.

You Are This Chick If:

Miss Loves At First Sight

Yes. ‘Loves’.

Every guy “might be ‘The One‘”. Every guy. The One.

Every relationship is a flash in the pan, and she’s over it as quickly as she fell into it. To get over one guy, she got under another. Ouch.

You are this chick if:

Miss Ice Queen

What a bitch.

She doesn’t have standards. She has demands. And then relentlessly demands that you meet her high expectations.

She’s bossy, mean at times, and a control freak. She has an icebox where her heart used to be, if there ever even was a heart ticking away in her frigid body.

She’s just a bitch for no reason, and her motives are irrelevant. There’s no winning this battle.

You Are This Chick If:

Miss Stepford Wife

This girl’s favorite toy as a child was her Barbie Dream House.

And her dream as an adult is to be a stay-at-home mom, but realization of this is actually her sitting on the couch watching General Hospital and spending her guy’s money while he’s working to continue accommodating her lazy lifestyle.

We’d like to clarify that there are many hard working people who stay home to maintain the house while their other half is away at work. Anyone who dedicates hours and hours per day to cooking, cleaning, and taking care of the family (well) is doing the job right.

You Are This Chick If:

Miss Shadow

You were getting beer at 7-11. And she was there. Then, at your friend’s party. Wow, what a coincidence. But The Lusty Lady?? Really?!?!?!

We call her Miss Shadow because she’s like the American Express card….everywhere you want to be.

And the shit gets old really fast. Who cares what her motivations are…she’s a fucking stalker.

You Are This Chick If:

Miss Doormat

This girl is exactly what she sounds like.

She’s been cheated on, but she forgave him. Each time. Her friends fuck her over, and she forgives. And forgives. And forgives. And forgives. Each time forgiving. Because she’s a forgiver. So she forgives.

You Are This Chick If:

Miss Perpetual Friend

Everyone’s a friend. Everyone.

This girl has an arsenal of male friends. And fellas, don’t buy into Biz Markie’s theory on this one. She really does just have a friend. In fact, a lot of them.

She puts everyone in the friends zone. Guys she dates end up there. Guys that are friends stay there. She can easily be identified when one or more of her ex’s from a serious relationship is her “best friend” and they really don’t sleep with each other.

You Are This Chick If:

First, we’ll start by saying this is both of us.

Amber was raised in a house of guys. My dad gives me guns for important holidays. Need we say more?

This girl truly does enjoy sports. It’s not her feeble attempt to steal extra time with you. And, she drinks things like Jack Daniels and beer. She finds all bodily functions amusing, and when given a Dutch Oven, will reciprocate.
 

The downside is, her guy friends’ girlfriends automatically find her to be “the bad guy”, and there’s typically friction.

You Are This Chick If:

Note: If you are crushing on this girl, and are thinking that friendship is the ’foot in the door’ to a relationship, look around at the other six guys at the table. Chances are, you’re not alone, and an alternate route is recommended. The ‘friends first’ approach is often unsuccessful.

After a recent (horrible) experience involving a mutinous person living in my “Friend Zone”, I’d like to pause and direct your attention to the following Public Service Announcement.

The “Do’s and Don’ts of The Friend Zone”

If you are relocating a member of your ”Dating Pool” to your “Friend Zone”:

Do:

Communicate honestly. Always. Pay attention to signs that your occupant may be trying to scam a place in your Dating Pool. Deport the silly ass of anyone attempting to stage a coup and overthrow your government.  Your Dating Pool and Friend Zone are not a democracy.  That shit is an autocracy, and you’re the dictator.  Remember that.

Do NOT:

Discuss any potential for a transfer out of the Friend Zone if you don’t mean that shit, because if the conversation is discussed by either party, the individual in the Friend Zone is likely going to start packing and prepare for the move.  Also, never EVER ignore signs that the occupant is trying to relocate to your Dating Pool.  If you see these signs, and are not wishing to provide a warm welcome to the person, get that shit in check.  Don’t be coy.  It only serves as the foundation for a big problem later.

If you have been/are being relocated to someone’s Friend Zone:

Do:

Communicate honestly. Always.  Also, accurately assess your ability to be a successful citizen.  Assume that you are not special, and that staging a coup will result in severe battle wounds, followed by epic failure, and is not worth the effort.  Additionally, remember that you can relinquish your citizenship at any time, and find another place to go.  Leaving or staying is entirely your choice.  Lastly, accept the rules established by the leader.  Accept the terms as is.

Do NOT:

Accept residency if you don’t agree to the country’s bylaws.  Also, never ever (ever) try to overthrow the government.  Ever.  Don’t think you’ll ‘convince’ the person that they’re in love with you….in fact, anyone shaking your head in disagreement right now, consider this:  the person assigning you to the friend zone has said that’s where they are placing you.  If, by chance, they’re secretly wanting you in the dating pool (or worse…hoping you’ll stage a coup), and they don’t fess up to that shit, you’re in the middle of their game.  “Game” is a polite dating term for “manipulation”.  “Manipulation” is a fancy five-syllable synonym for “lie”.  Are you pickin up what I’m gettin at?  You’re fancying a liar.   Now, you’re smarter than that, aren’t you??

I’d like to acknowledge that it is perfectly normal to, over time, begin to wonder about people that have been in one zone or the other for too long…“maybe he/she and I could be great together” or “maybe he/she is better as my friend”…

Just know that crushy feelings happen, and as long as you keep them in check and disclose them as applicable (hey…..don’t be scared.  If you have a healthy relationship, open, honest discussion is just that–discussion), then everyone’s on the same page.  Also, sometimes when you’re dating someone, the passion might be lacking, and you might find yourself evaluating their residency in your Dating Pool.  Again, be honest.  You might find that they feel the same way.

Lastly, I stress, again, that anyone intentionally staging a coup in your Dating Pool or Friend Zone should be immediately treated  as a treasonous bastard.  You don’t have time for that shit.

How do I know all this?  Again, I recently had a resident of my friend zone stage a battle and attempt to overthrow my government.  And it really, really sucked.  So heads up, everyone.  Hope this helps. 

Yep. That about covers it.

The roomie and I sat up late tonight (or early today…) categorizing the types of men we’ve encountered in the last few years as single girls.  Together, we formulated this list.  Although it’s only the beginning, it covers a lot of territory…

Blog Disclaimer:

The following are a generalized interpretation and not meant in any way to be an accurate depiction of any persons, living or dead, known or unknown to us. They are absolutely general in nature and based on our observations of the general male population, and are not meant to reflect any specific person’s private life or the actual practices and activities of any specific individual.

No harm, misrepresentation, libel, malice or copyright infringement is intended.

Ok, fuck that. They’re pretty much dudes we’ve met over the years, but they aren’t any of you. And if they are, we’ll never admit that.

And if you find yourself identifying with any of the below referenced personalities, either own that shit or change your ways.

After many hours of discussion, many (many) many drinks and drunken sloppy exchanges of stories, and a few tears…very few tears, and a few hard long laughs, we have decided to help our fellow man (and woman) kind in categorizing different personality types of guys, and describing the good and bad points, followed by instructions for you ladies on dealing with these types of guys as you run across them.

Guys: First, just know that our next blog is already in the works to do this same list about the women you encounter. Secondly, if you are reading any specific category and find yourself identifying with it, but are offended, you know damn well that we are bluntly honest about shit, and it’s exactly as you are likely to be perceived, like it or not. Soooo, again, own it or fix it.

Ladies: Pay attention. Cast out your initial instincts to “try a different approach” or think you can change anyone. The absolute cardinal rule of dating that each and every one of you must learn is that people can’t be changed by anyone but themselves.

Everybody good? Good. On we go.

The One Date Wonder

We start with this guy, because he’s the most perplexing of them all, and most girls find themselves obsessing over why this guy isn’t Mr. Perfect. Ladies. Shhhhhhh…….we’ll explain.

This chap will take you on the best date you’ve ever been on. He’ll make you laugh, he’ll treat you like a lady. He’ll open your door for you, and be just the right mix of dominant and gentleman.

However, in the afterglow, you’ll find yourself void of any sense of attachment. You won’t be excited for a second date. In fact, seeing his name on your caller i.d. will do nothing for you, as it once did. No butterflies…not even a larvae.

You are this guy if: Everything you did was perfect, and she seemed interested, but she’s not calling back or closing the deal with Date 2, or even offering any small effort for that matter. Don’t take it personal. Sorry to use this phrase, but “It’s not you. It’s her.”

Ladies: First, recognize that you’re simply not that into him. Unless it’s necessary, don’t fertilize the lawn. By this, we mean, don’t lay on the bullshit unless you mean it. Let it go. This isn’t Battleship. No strategy is necessary.

The Feral Cat

This one is a bit damaged. He’s been hurt, possibly abused, or has spent some serious time in the wild. He’s hesitant to attach, and doesn’t offer an abundance of warmth.

Like a feral cat being domesticated, he wants to feel love and affection, but as soon as he starts to feel it, he’s terrified, and goes into defense mode. Disappearance or general avoidance is common with even the thought of being smothered.

You are this guy if: You want to be with someone, but the second they show that they want to be with you, you dash. It’s not that you don’t want them back, it’s that your instincts tell you to GTFO.

Ladies: This one’s a tricky one. Don’t assume he has another girl or that he’s not interested (if he’s calling/paying attention to you/spending time with you). Be patient, and give him space. At the same time, don’t bank on him. Continue to see other people, and you’ll be able to do this because his fear of commitment will allow for it. Like adopting an abused animal, you have to show stability and dedication, and allow for him to come to you when he’s ready. And if he runs away, don’t chase his ass. He’ll find a home he’s comfortable with, and you shouldn’t take offense if he does.

Mr. Loves At First Sight

Yes. “Loves”.

This guy falls instantly head over heels for you. He dives right in. He’s sugary sweet, and could definitely be someone’s Prince Charming. And if you are standoffish, or feel smothered and put up walls, he seems to, within 24 hours, be equally as enamored by the girl in the short skirt at the club, or even your friend, as he was with you.

You are this guy if: You seem to find a Mrs. Right wherever you go. And maybe you are. But we’re not buying that shit.

Ladies: There’s two kinds of women for Mr. Loves–the ones who are Miss Loves, and the rest of us who are put off by his extreme, over-the-top efforts. You’ll know its Mr. Loves if you push him away a little, and a few days later call him back and his new girlfriend answers the phone.

Mr. Bragger aka Mr. Bragadocious

Where do we start with this guy?

He’s our least favorite. Whether he’s talking to two people or twenty people, he’s talking about what he has, is getting, or what he “was going to get but changed his mind to get the better version”. He talks about cars, clothes, plasma screens, wheels, gadgets….you name it, he’s got it or is getting it next week. He’s most likely to be drop-your-panties-hot, and slipped out of VIP to come talk to you.

You are this guy if: You have diarrhea of the mouth and make everything a dick showing contest.

Ladies: When confronted with this man, roll your eyes and walk away. What a waste of a chiseled jaw line.

Mr. Wonderful(ofshit)

Ohhhh, this guy……..

He will seem just like Mr. Bragadocious, but “objects in mirror are larger than they appear”. He talks the talk but doesn’t walk the walk. He talks about his new iPhone, but when you catch him outside, he’s talking on his base model Nokia. This is the best way to describe him.

You are this guy if: You can’t seem to stop yourself from exaggerating (grossly) everything you had/have/will have, but you’re just an average guy. Just say it. Michael Keaton was your favorite Batman. You’ll get more respect.

Ladies: We don’t condone the practice of Gold Digging. What’s the problem if he drives an ‘89 Buick Skylark? Nothing…as long as he’s honest about it. But if he’s lying about what he has, he’s lying about who he is, and you’ll be dating a mirage. Stick around, and when he proposes with a 3 carat Tiffany solitaire and you take it to Tiffany’s for cleaning, they’ll redirect you and your cubic zirconium to the Piercing Pagoda.

Mr. False Start

This guy is hot and heavy on Monday, but cold and distant on Tuesday. He’s texting/calling/emailing constantly just long enough to reel you in, only to send you back to the friend zone. He may or may not continue this cycle repeatedly.

You are this guy if: You love the scent of your clothes fresh out of the dryer, but don’t feel like wearing the shirt that’s been in your closet for a week. Five yard penalty, pal.

Ladies: You will never make a field goal with this man, so just stoppppit. You are not a second string player–you are a franchise muthafuckin player. If you let the cycle repeat itself, your cheering too loud for the opposing team.

Mr. Atlas

This guy has the entire world carefully balanced in his palm, but will drop it in a New York Minute for that special someone. He is always looking for a fixer upper–a beautiful girl that should have more than she really has.

You are this guy if: You have EVERYTHING going for you… Beautiful home, well respected at work, as well as in your gated community, goal oriented, career established, but is a sucker for a single mom struggling to make ends meet.

Ladies: This guy is almost always all heart. Tread lightly. Don’t be hypnotized by the fairy tale presentation. He wants to take care of you, however make sure he’s taking care of you and not controlling you, and make sure it’s a give-and-take situation, not a take-and-take situation.

Mr. Family Guy

This guy wants to be the provider. He wants you to quit your job, he wants pay all your bills, fix all your problems…he wants you. Alllllll of you. No–he needs you.

He is the man with no children but is more than willing to create an instant family of three to twenty without a moment’s thought.

You are this guy if: You don’t have children but prey on single mothers. Notice the word “prey”. There are plenty of single guys who stumble across a single mother and things work out. Then there are the guys who are more enamored by the idea of the single mother rather than the actual woman herself. It’s only a bad thing if your underlying motive is to have someone to control.

Ladies: If you are a single mom, you owe it to your child(ren) to put them first and be realistic about what you expect from a relationship. A man should be an addition to your life, not a whole new life.

Mr. Hovercraft

Just typing this makes us want to punch him.

He calls. And calls, and calls and calls. And texts. If you don’t answer, he might come to your door or workplace to “make sure you’re ok”. He hovers and smothers and hugs, and you might feel like you need to check under your bed when you get home to make sure he’s not there with a mask, a piece of rope, and some duct tape.

While he’s probably harboring the best of intentions, he becomes instantly entwined in your life, and you may not even be sure exactly how he got there…or how he got your address for that matter.

He’s also likely to “coincidentally” show up wherever you are, and is a pro at inventing weird manipulative games.

You are this guy if: You know everything about every guy on her top friends list on myspace. And by everything, we mean how many comments they’ve left in the past two months, what you think the comments may be in reference to, and how many times a week they change their profile picture. There’s a thin line between feeling strongly for someone and obsessing over someone. We can’t figure that difference out for you.

Ladies: Take extreme caution with this stalker…er, we mean, guy. We have developed an extremely scientific method for distinguishing “stalkers” from “fans”….

-A fan wants to stick “it” in you, a stalker wants to stick a knife in you.

A picture is worth a thousand words.

And a chart is even better.

In my quest to find Mr. Right, I came to a realization that over time, I keep getting closer and closer.  As it appears, just one man stands in the way of me and Mr. Right.

If I could only be assured that there was only one Mr. Right now…. 

 

In other news:

The most fantastic song for people like me has been released on iTunes.

In case you’ve forgotten Imani Coppola, whose “Legend of a Cowgirl” was my shiiiiiiiiiiiiiit in 1998, she’s back, and this time she’s got a sidekick (programmer Adam Pallin), under the name “Little Jackie”.

The song “The World Should Revolve Around Me” is my new shit.  My anthem.  And again, she’s nailed it with the words I can never seem to find as her lyrics.

God bless you, Imani Coppola, for keepin it real.

Check out the song on the Official Little Jackie Myspace Page.

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