WWJD #101: A Million Bucks?? Part Une

Ok, I started at 101 because it looks pretty in the title.  PS, Thanks to Master Steven for the following question:

What would you do if you won $1 million in the lottery?

Well, I’d like to start by stating that I’m no gold digger, but my options at $1 Million are kind of boring.   The good news is, I’ve imagined it was tomorrow morning that the check for $1 mil came (hey, it’s my fantasy, so taxes were paid already).  I am also SO rad, I’d spend (or assign) it all in one day.  And continue my day job. 

In this order, I’d do the following:

1. Piss my pants. (Free)

2. Shower and put on a new pair of pants. (Again, no cost)

3. Call Wells Fargo and pay off my Dad’s mortgage. (82,000) 

4. Stop by the Liquor Store and buy 46 bottles of Perrier Jouet Champagne, Fleur Rose 2002.  ($13,800).  Why 46? Why not 46.

5. I’d give a bottle to the first couple I saw and tell them to go home and enjoy it together.  I’d also give bottles to every person who smiled back at me in the parking lot when I smiled at them.  I’d lastly give one to the guy who helps me load all those bottles in my Suburban.

6. I walk into John L Scott and write a check for this house:

http://www.johnlscott.com/propertydetail.aspx?GroupID=232199761&ListingID=300663856&CMID=-1&Sort=0

PS.  I pay $450,000, not the $499,950 asking price.  Why? Because premium priced homes aren’t moving as quickly and I have cash.  ($450,00…..I have 448,000 left).

I give 4 bottles of my champagne to the real estate people.  One for the salesperson. One for the broker, and two for the seller.

7. I dedicate 60,000 to furnishing my home.  5,000 per kid (15,000).  I give my dad 10,000 for a new front door and some touches to the front of the house since it’s a little drab.  I also ask him to put two of those kickass lion statues like he has on his porch on my porch.  I then equitably distribute the rest for the house in general (living room, office, etc).  There’s four bedrooms, so one for each of us.

My House, before my Dad adds a bunch of cool shit to give it personality.

I dedicate a room in my house to planning pranks and writing.  I also think about a pool, then think how expensive it is to maintain a pool.  Then I imagine a sexy pool boy to clean the pool.  Wisdom and sensibility overrule, and I cast out the idea of a pool.

 

My Dad, who is a genius when it comes to giving homes personality will add some topiary and Italianate accents to the outside of my house.  He can find all kinds of shutters from Italy, like he did for the restaurant he built.  #Badassier.

This is the office in my kickass house where I’ll do all my writing and plots for pranks on people.

 

8.  I leave John L Scott and head straight to Audi, where I buy

THIS bad ass mechanical depiction of an orgasm:

Sigh.

A black 2010 Audi R8 V10 (not V8).  Price? Well, assuming there’s tax and licensing I see $166,000 being the check.

I let my Dad drive it to my house.  I’ve got to pay off my Suburban.

I stop in Tukwila and write a check for $3400.  I now am the proud owner of a 2000 Chevrolet Suburban with three dried french fries on the backseat and a small dent in the back. 

I also stop by Westfield Southcenter and buy one of those annoying licenseplate frames that says “My Other Car is an Audi R8″ just so people can roll their eyes at me and say “Yeah, suuuuure” while stuck behind me in I-5 traffic.

Ok.  According to my math, I’ve got 282,200 left.

9. I pass the Ducati dealership, thinking how much I want to buy a Red Superbike 1198S.  But I keep driving.

10.  I stop by the bank and set up five bank accounts with $20,000 each in secure high yield savings accounts.  They are for my three girls and my sister’s son and daughter for college.

Teaching My Kids About Their Heritage Is Super Important To Me.

11.  I stop at a travel agency and purchase tickets, hotel, and general accommodations for five for a two week trip through Sicily, Rome, and northern Italy.   My kids, my Dad, and I are going. ($6,000…this is no five star journey, it’s a middle of the road realistic trip to learn about our heritage.)

12.  I set aside $20,000 to invest in self-publishing and marketing of my books.

I’ve got $166,200 left.

13.  I stop in Auburn and give my current boss, who is also a very good friend and has been my boss since I was a teenager, $30,000 to invest in her businesses.

         

      

    

14. I call @katiethelmp and @superbetch and tell them to get on Twitter and tell everyone we’re all drinking Friday night.  Location TBD

15. I pull out $6,000 for Friday evening to cover any and all drinks, food, and cabs for every person who drinks so I know they all make it home safe.  Because I love them.

16. I buy a pack of diapers.  ($12.99)

17.  I pick my kids up from daycare and instruct them to put on the diapers.  Because when they see our house and car and the $5,000 cash sitting on their empty bedroom floors, they’re surely going to piss themselves.  And I have hardwood floors.

At the daycare, I hand my daycare lady, Denise, a check for $20,000.  I do this because she is a kickass lady and I adore her, and because she puts up with three carbon copies of me on a daily basis and hasn’t lost her shit yet.  (Yay Denise!)

18.   On the way down the hill from the daycare, I stop at my mom’s and give her a check for $40,000 because she squeezed me out of her vag and never drowned me or shook me as an infant.  That deserves kudos, right?  On the way out the door, I turn around and give her another check for $6,200 because her homemade chicken noodle soup was the shit growing up.  And that deserves some more money.

19.  I stop at my usual espresso drive thru and get a triple tall iced americano with a splash of cream. My kids each get a kid’s cocoa. I tip the barista $500.  One hundred for each girl that works there.  They’re all the shit.

20.  I head home to meet my Dad at my new kickass house with $65, 694 in the bank and a smile on my face.  I have to get to bed early though, I’ve got work tomorrow.  But  I’m a homeowner and  I have no debt. 

PS, tonight, after kids are in bed and I’ve told my Dad goodnight, I crawl into my Audi and cry myself to sleep with tears of joy.

No snot on the leather, please.

 

These things said, I’ve spent a million bucks in a day.  Really, it’s not that much money.  However, if I were Oprah Rich, the spending would go down a lot differently.  Hence, the next blog: WWJD #101: A Million Bucks?? Part Deux: Oprah Rich.

"Oprah Rich? Oh, this bitch is about to go short bus on us."