After a recent (horrible) experience involving a mutinous person living in my “Friend Zone”, I’d like to pause and direct your attention to the following Public Service Announcement.
The “Do’s and Don’ts of The Friend Zone”
If you are relocating a member of your ”Dating Pool” to your “Friend Zone”:
Do:
Communicate honestly. Always. Pay attention to signs that your occupant may be trying to scam a place in your Dating Pool. Deport the silly ass of anyone attempting to stage a coup and overthrow your government. Your Dating Pool and Friend Zone are not a democracy. That shit is an autocracy, and you’re the dictator. Remember that.
Do NOT:
Discuss any potential for a transfer out of the Friend Zone if you don’t mean that shit, because if the conversation is discussed by either party, the individual in the Friend Zone is likely going to start packing and prepare for the move. Also, never EVER ignore signs that the occupant is trying to relocate to your Dating Pool. If you see these signs, and are not wishing to provide a warm welcome to the person, get that shit in check. Don’t be coy. It only serves as the foundation for a big problem later.
If you have been/are being relocated to someone’s Friend Zone:
Do:
Communicate honestly. Always. Also, accurately assess your ability to be a successful citizen. Assume that you are not special, and that staging a coup will result in severe battle wounds, followed by epic failure, and is not worth the effort. Additionally, remember that you can relinquish your citizenship at any time, and find another place to go. Leaving or staying is entirely your choice. Lastly, accept the rules established by the leader. Accept the terms as is.
Do NOT:
Accept residency if you don’t agree to the country’s bylaws. Also, never ever (ever) try to overthrow the government. Ever. Don’t think you’ll ‘convince’ the person that they’re in love with you….in fact, anyone shaking your head in disagreement right now, consider this: the person assigning you to the friend zone has said that’s where they are placing you. If, by chance, they’re secretly wanting you in the dating pool (or worse…hoping you’ll stage a coup), and they don’t fess up to that shit, you’re in the middle of their game. “Game” is a polite dating term for “manipulation”. “Manipulation” is a fancy five-syllable synonym for “lie”. Are you pickin up what I’m gettin at? You’re fancying a liar. Now, you’re smarter than that, aren’t you??
I’d like to acknowledge that it is perfectly normal to, over time, begin to wonder about people that have been in one zone or the other for too long…“maybe he/she and I could be great together” or “maybe he/she is better as my friend”…
Just know that crushy feelings happen, and as long as you keep them in check and disclose them as applicable (hey…..don’t be scared. If you have a healthy relationship, open, honest discussion is just that–discussion), then everyone’s on the same page. Also, sometimes when you’re dating someone, the passion might be lacking, and you might find yourself evaluating their residency in your Dating Pool. Again, be honest. You might find that they feel the same way.
Lastly, I stress, again, that anyone intentionally staging a coup in your Dating Pool or Friend Zone should be immediately treated as a treasonous bastard. You don’t have time for that shit.
How do I know all this? Again, I recently had a resident of my friend zone stage a battle and attempt to overthrow my government. And it really, really sucked. So heads up, everyone. Hope this helps.
Yep. That about covers it.
